Leaving: a practical checklist for the first ninety days

What to do in the first three months after you've decided. Documents, money, housing, and the people you can call.

1. 01

   Secure your documents

   Locate your birth certificate, passport, social security card or national ID, bank statements going back at least one year, and any tax records. If they live in a shared household, copies are enough, originals are not worth a confrontation.

2. 02

   Open a bank account in your name only

   Open a fresh account at a bank that you have no household relationship with. Move the minimum needed to cover housing + groceries + transit for the first month. Do not close the joint account yet; that signals.

3. 03

   Find somewhere to sleep that isn't where you sleep now

   A friend's spare room, a sublet, a women's or men's shelter, an Airbnb for two weeks while you find a sublet. The first night somewhere new is the hardest. Pack for two weeks; the rest can wait.

4. 04

   Tell two people, not twenty

   Pick two people you trust completely, usually one inside the family circle and one outside. Tell them where you are and that you're safe. Resist the urge to explain to a wider circle in week one; the explanations get easier in month three.

5. 05

   Make a list of unfinished obligations

   Car payments, phone bills, subscriptions, library books, anything in your name that's tied to the old address. Write it down. You don't have to solve any of it this week, you just want to know what's there.

6. 06

   Find a clinician who works with former members

   If you have insurance, look for a clinician with experience with high-control groups; the clinician directory on the resources page lists several. If you don't have insurance, community mental-health centers and a handful of religious-trauma-specific telehealth practices accept sliding-scale fees.